How I feel...

3 months ago we found out that our adoption was not going to go through for this little boy. My case worker set beside me at the office and struggled to find the words. When the judge decided instead of adoption that she would reunify our baby with his birth mom, our case worker said her heart fell to the floor. She said she couldn't even get up from the court room, because it had taken her by complete shock. As I set listening, she explained how after 18 months of being with us that he would start transitioning home. It would be a three month transition that would start that very week, actually the very next day. As hard as I tried, I couldn't hold back my tears. My heart was broken. I was shocked. It wasn't expected at all. That beautiful little boy above has spent almost all of his life (except for the first month) with us. We had been his family. Everything the child had was because of us (Well, really not us but from God because all things come from HIM). My heart was full. Full of bitterness toward a lady that I felt should have tried harder from the start. I was full of anger (almost to the point of hatred) toward a judge that I felt had failed another of my babies. I was overcome with worry for this little boy because he trusted me for everything and this was out of my control. The "what ifs" are hard to take. Very hard. This barely even scrapes the surface of how I felt that very day. That awful day I lost my child. Yes, my dreams of raising this little boy for the rest of my life was gone. It was a bad day. I'll even admit it. I had to repent. I was angry at God. I had even decided that He (God) really didn't care about our baby or us. Maybe He really don't hear prayers (I thought). After all, I had been praying about this baby since he first got placed with us. I actually even prayed that God would never give me another child that I would fall in love with like I did Bailey. I wanted this baby to come & go quickly because that's easier. I even coached his mom on how she could make that happen. Well, months came & went and WE took care of this baby day in and day out. We showed this baby nothing but pure love. I thought maybe God was angry because we loved him to much. That must be it. It had to be it. I was so angry and I had let it consume me.

So what did I do? First off, as I said before, I had to repent to the Lord for the feelings I felt. Then, I spent some time in His word just trying to make sense of it all. I guess I was trying to figure God out (Yes I was being foolish). As I read, over and over, He just kept reminding me that "My will is NOT always HIS will". But why God?  I didn't want to accept that.  Not when it comes to the child I love so much. As I said, I prayed. No, it was more like I begged for forgiveness and I pleaded for help and peace. Help, to get us through this. Peace, with what ever would come. God heard me. He is helping me cope. I'm not as troubled as I was about it. I haven't even cried over it in several days now. I'm not bitter like I was before. I guess I've just excepted that this is the way it's going to be. I just can't explain it. It has to be God. 

I still want my baby. I want him here. I want to see him every day. I want to watch him grow up. I want to hear him say,"dood mor-nin mommy" and his precious, "I wuv you mommy". Yes, I want to hear his precious voice every day for the rest of my life. I want to smell his Johnson baby lotioned skin after his bedtime bath. I want to cuddle him in my arms and kiss his chubby cheeks. I want to see him run to the window and say, "daddy home"...like he always does. I want to pull up at my parent's house and hear him say, "PawPaw and MawMaw's house". Yes, I'm going to miss this little boy. He has been such a joy. He has been such a huge part of our lives for so long now. I can't imagine life without him here. He is precious to us.

 I could set around full of anger & bitterness and let the hurt consume the rest of me or I could choose to get up and make the very best of every day that we have left. I chose the later. Instead of weeping, we've been doing a lot of laughing. We've been playing harder than ever. We've been taking to many pictures. We've been making more" happy day" memories. We've been cherishing every second and living it to the fullest... just in case tomorrow is the day. Actually, today was suppose to be the day that he left us,but court was called off. Woo Hoo!!! One more day with my baby love. One more day that I won't take for granted. Deep down I still hope that somehow God will make a way, but if not, then I've accepted it. It's just not part of his plan for our lives. Maybe He knows something we don't. Maybe He is looking further down the road (where we can't see) and He sees that this is best for us. I have to believe that's what it is.

Now when the day comes, I may not be this strong. I may not feel at peace, but I hope I do. I may once more be consumed with anger & hurt, but I pray that I won't be, because I don't want to be. I pray that the peace that passes all understanding that can ONLY comes from God will be over our home & family that day.

Please keep us in your prayers. We always stand in need.

My daughter use to sing a song when she was little called "Pray For Me". The chorus goes something like this..."Pray for me when all goes well and you know of no other in need. Just mention my name when you talk to the Lord. When all goes well pray for me". 

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart;and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him,and he will direct thy paths. ~Proverbs 3:5-6