Fostering...what you don't know.

One thing you will often hear me talking about on my blog is my love for children. I love children. I enjoy being around children. I like toys, noise, giggles,bear hugs,butterfly kisses, the smell of baby lotion, cartoons, kool aid mustaches, mud pies, bubble baths, sprinklers, finger painting, hair bows, puddle splashing, tea parties, picnics, play dough... I could go on and on. I really do enjoy kids. I love having my house full.

If you spend any time on my blog you will quickly learn that I'm a proud foster parent. I can't share much about each of my fosters ,but I share as much as I'm allowed. Often you can't see their faces or know their real names until they are no longer labeled foster children. But, just because they are faceless and nameless here, in person they are very much real. They are not my blood ,but they are my heart. I love my fosters (past & present). They were chosen to be mine for a little while and they are part of our family and forever in our hearts.

 I often share the happy side of fostering. I usually make it look easy and fun. I like to share the sweet things that fostering brings to my life like the things my fosters say or do, how much they've grew, how much they've changed, and how much joy they've brought to us. But, what I don't often share is how hard it is to be a foster parent. Fostering is one of the hardest most heart breaking things I've ever done in my life ,but also one of the most rewarding and life changing things I've done. Fostering comes with it's share of ups & downs just like everything else in life. Some days are easy and some days are very hard. I'm going to share a little about what life is like for us as a foster family.

Some days, I wake up and I feel 10 feet tall. I feel like I am doing exactly what God wants me to do. I feel like I am making a difference. Some days ,I'm so pumped I feel like I can save the world. I feel important and I like that feeling. But some days, I wonder why I chose to do this. I wonder why I put up with the things I do. Sometimes I wonder if God really chose the right person when He chose me for this position. Some days, I don't like fostering. Yes,I said that. Some days I even think the feeling goes almost to hate(and I don't like that word).  Now don't get me wrong, I adore the children. I LOVE my foster children. I even love some of the case workers (yes there really are a few good ones left). It's the system and how things work that I don't enjoy so much.

It's been over 7 years since God laid fostering on my heart(a little over 6 years of fostering). I remember it just like it was yesterday. I was in the bath when God laid it on me. I just knew (don't ask me how or why) but I just knew at that moment that fostering was God's plan for me. I had never really thought anything about fostering before that moment. After all, we weren't the typical foster family type. We already had a house full of children (5 of our own) and we could still have more if we wanted. In our state the max number of kids in a foster home is 6 unless you accept a sibling group or have older children (over age 16), so we would only be allowed one. That's where I got the saying ,"Fostering is changing the world one child at a time". Anyhow, When I shared with my hubby how I felt God was leading us to foster he thought I was crazy. He thought I just wanted another baby. He totally wasn't feeling it. He was more for having another of our own then fostering other kids. So, I let it go ,but God didn't. He opened my Hubby's heart to fostering just a few months later when a child we knew and love was placed in foster care. That child is now our (un-official) oldest daughter Samantha. When she went in to care, our hearts were broken. She was our daughter's best friend and we had watched her grow up. We now knew why God had laid fostering on us. It took about 7 months to go through the process to bring Samantha home. If only we would have listened to God's calling from the start, then maybe she wouldn't have had to wait so long to come home.

Since then,we've been blessed with 22 foster children. Blessed indeed,but we've also been very busy trying to take care of them and us. I've been busy running them to have check-ups, teeth cleanings, therapies, counseling, team meetings, family visits,court hearings,etc. Along with hours of planning, changing our schedule around, setting up extra appointments, meeting and pleasing case workers, and opening our doors 24/7 for home visits and inspections. There is a never ending list of TO-Do's when you bring home a foster child and at times it is very hard. At times it's overwhelming. The max I've had is three fosters at a time (plus my own kids). I can't imagine these families who have 5 or 6 in their home. I don't know how they make it from day to day. Fostering keeps you on the go and sooooooooo busy. For example- Our new foster whom I'm going to call "Baby R" on my blog has a busy week ahead. Next week she has 3 family visits that are 40 minutes away, she has to go see her ortho doctor(she has broken legs) in Marrietta, another doctor to have a physical in Powder springs, and a third doctor to have a full body scan in Atlanta. Then we have her evaluations to see if she is where she should be with the Babies Can't Wait program, and  a WIC appointment.... yes all of that in just one week. But wait, we are not done. We also have our foster baby Z who also has three appointments next week and every week after. So it gets kinda crazy when you are trying to squeeze everything in and trying to keep everyone happy all the time, while not forgeting your own family and their needs. 

(Just being honest here) Yesterday, I was talking to someone about my feelings and I told them that I was very frustrated with a few things. I told them that I had thought about throwing up my hands and saying "I QUIT!". She said, oh no! You can't do that. We need you to much and the kis need you. I know they do that's why I'm here. Recently, I went to one of our foster family get-togethers and it made me sad because I didn't recognize many of the families. Most of the families we started out fostering with have quit. Not all quit because they were disgusted ,but many did. Some filled their homes with adopted kids and some have moved away. But, the need is still there. We still need foster families to love these kids. Somebodies got to do it. Why shouldn't it be me?

Some view foster parents as people who just take in as many kids as we can for the money, attention, selfish reasons, etc. If anyone becomes a foster parent for the money they are going to be very disappointed. I make $14.60 a day. This amount is nothing after I buy 1/2 the diapers(the state covers up to $20 a month), wipes, food (other than what WIC supplies), clothes, bedding, toys, baby equipment, medicine, pay for activities, the rest of their basic needs (and some wants),home maintenance & repairs, and the gas to drive to all their appointments. You figure it up. Nothing is left. We don't do it for the money.

Some go into fostering to build their family. Yes, you can do that ,but that's not what fostering is about. Fostering is repairing and restoring the birth family. If you aren't going in to fostering with that goal in mind then you are fostering for the wrong reason. Fostering-2-adopt is the way to go if you want to build a family. Yes, there are two types of families. We are a foster family ,but there is also foster-2-adopt families. However, most of the adoptable kids are over age 8 or are part of a sibling group. The wait for a foster-2-adopt younger child may take years or may never happen. So that is something you must think about. I've had 22 fosters and none have been adoptable,but we didn't go in to adopt. Although, if we have a child that it with us and we are bonded to the child, then we would consider it if the case went to TPR,but that hasn't happened yet.

Next is dealing with birth families. Some will love you and some will hate you. I try to go in with a positive attitude and be as kind as I can be, but I don't always get the same response. Sometimes they are mean. Sometimes they think we (foster parents) are trying to take their place. They feel like we are part of DFCS and are out to get them. So we are labeled as the enemy. It's hard sometimes to win them over and to build a relationship ,but it is possible if you work and work and work at it. I usually always tell my birth families that I am not here to take their children ,because I have my own children. I tell them that I am here to take care of their children until they are able to get them back. Usually, this breaks the ice ,but not always. I've been hurt numerous times by birth parents. I've been treated bad. I've been yelled at and cussed at. I've had them file complaints about me(for no fair reason). I had one set of parents that complained about my choice of diapers, wipes,and cream (BTW...I only use name brand on my fosters). So the next week I changed out and used the ones they told the case worker they used and then they just found something else to complain about. They just complain because they can. It's a control thing. They don't have their kids but they still have control and they will use it as much as possible. These are a few things they control... we can't cut the children's hair without permission, we can't take them on vacations or trips without permission, we can't make them go to our church and must take them to their own church(if family says), we can't let them join in activities outside the home without parent consent, etc and trust me they will usually say no to anything that brings your family joy. So they can be selfish and rude. They can also be dangerous. I had one tell me she had planned to kill me...yes I'm being honest here. She wanted her child back,but she didn't want to go through the process of getting her life on track. So she thought if she could just get rid of me (when I pulled up for a visit) then she could take her child and take it out of the US. Sometimes it's very hard to work with these birth parents. But, some are good and some do appreciate the things you do,but usually not until they are back on track and getting their kids back. So it can be a loooooong hard road for several months until you reach the common ground.

Sometimes it's hard to deal with case workers & judges. We(the foster families) are the ones walking the floors when these kids are up all night sick. We are the ones trying to make it to the dozens of appointments "they" set up. We are the ones wiping their tears and hearing their fears, breaking up fights, mending broken hearts, kissing boo boos, trying to figure out the child's needs, likes, dislikes (these kids don't come with manuals), we are the ones trying to help them catch up in school, adjust to new schools, adjust to missing their old life, adjust to their new life, etc. We know these kids. We are the ones with them 24/7. But come court day our wishes and thoughts don't matter. We don't always agree with case workers & judges. Sometimes they don't see what we see. Sometimes they know things they don't let us know and sometimes we know things they don't care to know. Sometimes we have to agree to disagree and sometimes it breaks our hearts. We have no real say when it comes to these kids ,because they are not really our kids. Oh but they own our hearts and it is hard to be quiet when a case worker or judge holds a child's future in their hands.

Next, we have our own family and our own lives. Often our plans get changed. Often we have to rearrange our lives. Often our feelings are not considered in the system.

I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate our children and extended family for their understanding. If it wasn't for them we couldn't do all that we do. They are such a help and encouragement to us.

Our children are the most understanding of all. They understand that they have to share their parents with these kids and at times it's not easy on them. Sometimes we get kids that don't click with ours ,because they come from a totally different lifestyle.Our children accept these children like they're brothers and sisters. They bond with them. They love them. They hurt when they have to leave us.

Then we have our extended family members. Our family accepts our fosters just as they do our own kids . They get attached to these children just like we do. They love them like we do. Then they miss them when they move on just like we do.

Then the hardest part of all is Goodbye time. It's tough to say goodbye to someone you've loved for months or maybe years. You can't help but bond and love these children and when it's time to let go it hurts...BAD...REALLY BAD sometimes. Some of your fosters you may see again ,but most you won't. Most will leave and you will never know what ever become of them. I think if you could see them again at least once a year it wouldn't be so very hard. It's up to the birth parents if you can continue the relationship. Some of our past fosters we do still see, but most we don't. This is always the hardest part and it really never gets easy. I compare it to a death. It feels a lot like loosing a love one. You go through a very similar process of mourning and healing much like that of a death.

So why do we do it? Because I truly honestly believe that this is what God has called us to do. I believe this was part of His plan for my life, before I was even born. I believe God gives us life to serve others and that is the desire of my heart. I've chosen to live a life that is not just about me... I want my life to have more meaning than that. I want to make a positive difference in the lives of others because that's how Jesus lived his life and He should be our example. Yes, fostering is not always easy. God's will for us is not always easy. I just trust that as long as I do all that I can, that God will help me with all that I can't. One time my pastor said,"God doesn't call the equipped. He equips the ones that He calls"...I believe that. I couldn't do this without Him. It is an honor to serve Him.
Pray for our family.We always stand in need of prayers.

This post wasn't written to discourage others from fostering. WE NEED MORE FOSTER AND FOSTER-2-ADOPT PARENTS and good case workers. I just wanted to show the other side of fostering so that you know how it really is. It really isn't all fun and games but the blessings by far outweigh the burden. It's true, fostering is a work of heart.

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart;and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him,and he will direct thy paths. ~Proverbs 3:5-6